New Moon: Anatomy of impact

It's Friday; and in contrast to the several Fridays before this one, I have time to properly focus. Hello.

This particular post is for two types of reader here. Perhaps you aren't directly familiar (or you're just barely familiar) with many kink activities, and you would like to know what goes into some of them beyond the more philosophical, psychological underpinnings that I've discussed in the past. In this respect I've tried to write something educational. But alternately you may be as versed in kink as I am, or moreso, and you might wonder how I approach specific kink acts as ordeal work. For that, as I've said before my experience with formalized ordeals is technically quite limited; however, what I'm about to describe is certainly a hint at how some kink inherently pushes me into an ordeal-like headspace, and you may be able to discern my loose blueprint for the rhythmic beats to move through in future ordeals.

Regardless of which category your own interest falls in, hopefully I will do the subject justice from my circumstances as a fairly seasoned bottom and emergent top: here is my own anatomy of a well-conducted impact scene.

Negotiation & tool selection

The experiential quality of any consensual sadomasochistic exchange varies enormously by the tools[1] involved. Therefore, I can still only write so precisely before the way I describe an impact scene[2] will become overly contextual. Indeed, it's even worth bearing in mind that while I wish to focus today on impact — that is, where one person beats, strikes, or otherwise percussively contacts another person's body — there are a wider range of s/m activities than just impact, and even a designated "impact scene" may well incorporate those other activities along with elements that don't even qualify as s/m. So for the rest of this piece, when I refer to an impact scene I would recommend thinking of a scene where impact primarily features and where a mutual goal is for the bottom to experience pain, regardless of what other goals might exist. But again, the exact tools used to accomplish this have an infinite number of permutations.

Nonetheless, this brings us to the first stage of the scene, where the tools must be chosen before they are used. Perhaps it would be better to describe this stage as the "zeroth" stage, as there are many operational and emotional reasons why the participants won't yet feel as if their scene has started; but I know some people who do see the line between scene negotiation and scene execution as slightly blurred. A negotiation can very much feel stimulating, intense, and exciting, building anticipation for what's to come, and likewise if it disappoints or takes a wrong turn it can cause lasting harm. Whatever someone's semantic preferences are, it must at least be said that negotiation is critical.

In terms of what will be used during the scene, negotiation is the first (though for some people not the only) time to express overall desires and tendencies. What flavors of pain does the bottom like to receive, and what implements are most enjoyable for the top to wield? Which tools should be avoided due to practicality, and which should be avoided as outright limits? If there is a targeted theme to the scene, which tools would look, sound, or feel the best for that theme? Should there be a diverse array of tools to cycle through during the course of the scene, or should the top simply concentrate on one or two favorite options? Speaking for myself as a bottom, I greatly enjoy pain on the outer surface of my skin the most, what many of us refer to as "sting," whereas I can be more ambivalent about deeper-tissue impact, also known as "thud," so I'm more likely to encourage my top to use canes, switches, crops, whips, or flogger-type tools where the fall-ends are cut a specific way or where the materials chosen are springier. Conversely, I like having my backside tenderized with hard smacks and punches, but I'm not likely to ask for paddles, cudgels, or other thick and heavy choices.[3]

Whatever is decided, the choice of what to use still merely forms one part of the negotiation process. For some people, myself included, it is often the beginning, but it's very far from the end. Here are some of the questions that I may ask during a negotiation, mostly for bottoming purposes but hypothetically also for topping (with questions specific to my own topping marked by an asterisk):

• What does kink mean to you? How important is it to you?
• What brought you to kink? How long have you been doing it?
• (after outlining my preferred aftercare procedure for when the scene has reached its end) What are your own aftercare needs?
• You've proposed or accepted my proposal about playing with (x) specifically. What about that activity especially appeals to you?
• *When you bottom for pain, do you feel like you actually enjoy the pain or is it more about suffering through something on purpose?
• *What areas of your body would you rather I avoid hitting or otherwise causing pain to? Do you have an “ideal” strike zone?
• *Do you prefer having a set script for a scene or playing more improvisationally? Even if we assume you’ve/we’ve already picked out the type of activity we’re going to do and what implements we’re going to use, how much do you want to know exactly what order things are going to be done to you before they happen?
• Do you prefer a bottom who struggles and protests or a bottom who exhibits enthusiasm? (*Alternately: are you a bottom who struggles and protests vs. exhibits enthusiasm?)
• *How do you feel about being mocked and berated vs. praised and encouraged during a scene?
• *How easily do you bruise or break skin? Are any toys particularly likely to cause either for you, or any areas where it's more likely to occur? (alternately, as a bottom I'll review this information for my own body)
• What are your limits? Feel free to cover things beyond what might come up for an impact scene, since I’d prefer not to do something like make a throwaway remark in the scene about some other activity that I didn’t know you’d rather not hear about, for example.
• Do you need any clarifying information about my limits?
• How do you personally distinguish between hard and soft limits?
• What methods do you prefer for verifying consent? I would prefer to have a designated safeword on hand even if you also want to interpret "stop" and "no" on the same level as a safeword. Similarly, how often are you likely to check in while I'm bottoming (*or are you likely to want me to check in while you’re bottoming)? And will we use an "opt-in" consent model, i.e. the only things that happen are things we explicitly discussed before the scene started, or will we use "opt-out," i.e. if it wasn't specifically ruled out beforehand it might happen during the scene?[4]
• (after explaining my own preferences in this regard) What areas of your body are okay to touch in general? And where do you draw the line between sexual vs. non-sexual touch? Is there any “way” of touching you that I should avoid in the context of this scene?
• Even if this is a non-sexual scene and there is much less chance of fluid exchange… since I know blood can be drawn through play, for transparency and fully-informed consent, do you have any long-term conditions which may be infectious? (here I also list my own STI results and review what I'm vaccinated against)
• I often like to dress provocatively (or wear nothing), even for a non-sexual scene; how does that sound to you? What are your own clothing preferences for this?
• I may become physically aroused during a scene even if I have zero intention or desire to act upon that. Is that okay with you?
• Do you have experience playing with abuse survivors or PTSD patients?
• Are you okay with heavily detailed negotiations before each scene, when a play partnership is still young? Are you okay with heavily detailed analysis afterward?
• Do you have any psychological/medical needs that I should be aware of? Do you have any disabilities or language challenges to accommodate?
• *How do you feel about additional stimuli during a scene like loud music?
• How much of an audience are you okay with (or actively interested in)?
• I can promise that if we schedule play dates or choose to attend an event together, I will not flake out on them unless there is an emergency. However, generally I need to agree upon activities with new play partners at least three weeks ahead of time. Then I like to get confirmation the day beforehand, and some form of warning if you are running behind schedule or may need to cancel. Does this work for you?
• I have phone anxiety. If you get my number, can we agree that you will only text me unless I give explicit permission to call me?
• I would like to have the option of discussing our activities with my owner, assuming he isn't already a witness due to the venue. I can exercise whatever other amount of confidentiality you like about our scene apart from the factors of playing with witnesses and my right to discuss things with someone else for vetting/consent purposes. All of which is to say, overall I don't have to mention our scene on Fet or to random people if you don't want me to. What are your preferences?
• Do you have past play partners whom I can ask about their experience with you?

As you can see, many of these questions go beyond the actual scene and into the side effects of having taken part in a scene together, or into how compatible our overall personalities are — even if we will only do one scene.

I probably won't ask all of these things if I've done something with the other person before, and sometimes even for a first scene it may feel like certain questions aren't relevant. But I offer these examples as a means of understanding how many aspects to a scene — any scene, not just impact — are in flux before the participants make various decisions. And in some cases, people will leave things up to instinct and chance, which I find is often riskier. But everyone's willingness to take those risks is different.

Warmup

Whatever the decisions made while negotiating, and however much time passes between the negotiations and starting the next stage[5], at some point the scene must truly begin. Top and bottom must enter their respective opening positions, usually with the bottom resting or braced on furniture even if they aren't bound to it. The top has their impact tools at the ready, wherever is ergonomic, and starts to strike the bottom with something.

It may not be high-intensity blows at first. Often, things start with a warmup period. This allows the bottom to ease into their painful experience, and it allows the top to wake up the muscles (and mental power) required for whatever they're doing. Some sadomasochists do have the wish to just dive straight into something agonizing right away, and in the right situation maybe that's appropriate. However, among the people I kink with or around, and speaking for myself, the warmup is important.

And ideally for a first scene together, maybe even for a repeat experience, there's what I'll call the calibration process. I owe the use of this term and underlying concept entirely to an erstwhile[6] casual play partner who's also a locally prominent lifestyle sadist and educator. They would be the better person to provide an explanation of their calibration technique than I can, but insofar as I've absorbed some of it into how I generally receive or give consensual pain, I can perhaps offer the gist:

Consider the pain scale used in medicine, rating pain from most to least tolerable. In a masochistic context, of course, that which feels intolerable might still be enjoyable — we may desire to scream and cry and beg for mercy — but nonetheless we can evaluate pain according to how strong a reaction it will provoke, how intense the raw feeling actually is, and maybe how sustainable it is. Much as reaching an 8 or 9 on the pain scale can be ecstatically thrilling, I think that even for the heaviest masochists out there it's still rare to feel like extreme pain can be tolerated for a very long time; all of us will always have our maximums. It's just a matter of some masochists feel certain things as an 8 or 9 that other masochists feel only as a 4 or 5. You can grow accustomed to many unpleasant things with practice, and you can be hardwired with special aversions that other people lack.

So to do calibration, during negotiating or at the very outset of the impact activity, the bottom and top agree on what are the preferred "pain numbers" to for the bottom to experience, including the lowest desired amount, the highest desired amount, and a steady plateau in between. There may be planned peaks and troughs for the scene, or there may be a gradual buildup, or something else. Either way, once the top starts to strike the bottom, it is now time to calibrate by verifying that the blows that the top gives achieve the correct pain number in the bottom's perception. It's particularly important or at least helpful to try this when you haven't done impact (or other s/m) together before, because the top may otherwise be familiar with bottoms who have been more or less sensitive/tolerant than this one, and the bottom may be familiar with tops who hit fiercer or lighter than this one. Before the energy of the scene truly manifests, the first few minutes can thus become more like experimentation, with the top testing and the bottom giving feedback.

I'm sure the calibration process can feel a bit clinical or at least less-than-arousing to some people, and since I'm someone who is happiest with sexy, creative check-ins that don't interrupt the mood of a scene too much, I can sympathize with others on that front. However, my experiences with calibration have usually resulted in extremely satisfying scenes, and it's with that guidance in mind I now turn to the real meat of the impact scene.

The story arc

I will speak here as a bottom first and foremost. By the time I've finished calibrating, I'm already in some pain, but it's mild, the stings and swats and smacks occupying a secondary place in my mind to the need to form words about what I'm experiencing. Once the dialogue dials back (even if it never completely goes away) I am left only with the pain. And while each masochist is different, for me I undergo painful experiences in one way worth remarking upon now: I have a high pain tolerance, but a low pain threshold. That is, I will accept the occasional 7 or higher — see, there are those calibration numbers — quite gladly during a scene, without feeling like the scene should end, yet simultaneously I can experience minor to moderate amounts of pain rather easily. I'm quite vocal, flinchy, and reactive to things that other bottoms might not really feel. Thus, it's typical that once a scene is fully underway, past the warmup stage, I am already hurting and complaining.

In response to this, my body knows how to intervene. Endorphins release quickly, not only alleviating the initial pain but also giving me a literal high. This goads me to accept more. I both crave the high itself and feel confident I can endure what's causing it.

But as the scene tells me a story about myself, with more passing minutes I find that this pain is merely like the instigating catalyst to set the action moving. Whether the top uses just one tool or alternates between many[7], I go through more and more chapters where the pain changes forms, exacerbates, or presents other challenges I hadn't anticipated at first. Some of the blows I start to receive feel like staggering obstacles, and some feel strangely relieving but degrading to request over the alternatives. Over half an hour to even a full hour, I start to find the endorphins are no longer as effective, the pain builds up, my body is responding with other instincts like sobbing or shedding tears. My skin, wherever it's struck, turns from a rosy glow to an angrier shade; whether or not I'll bruise later, in the moment the tissue is stressed enough that the very hardest blows could draw blood. I am not "having fun." I am suffering.

Yet I am choosing to suffer, and there's the rub. This stage, the stage of struggle, is still nothing I could not stop at any time — or at least with an ethical top it should be that way. And likewise, I can push myself further if I like. So I do. In the most vicious, shrieking, miserable minutes I learn and re-learn resilience, patience, and then I push even more and I learn release, letting go. I see the impact scene's climax as occurring in two overlapping phases of its own: there is the top's climax as they unload their most furious strikes, often the final ones, and then there is also my climax as the bottom as my endorphins manage to flow once again. I embrace the agony, I transcend it, I fly. Here is when I'm sometimes known to laugh, or at least to enter a smiling delirium.

Some people might experience that ecstatic crest multiple times in the same scene, but as far as I'm concerned, once that peak has been reached then the conclusion shouldn't be far away. Frequently, I'm given the very worst blows at the end of the scene, once I'm flying, and then all impact ceases. The dynamic process is over, and now we must simply address the new state of affairs that remains.

Recovery

This is what most kinksters refer to as aftercare. Accounting for aftercare is important after any scene, but in my experience it matters the most when pain has been incorporated. The body has just undergone great stress; even if this was consensual, and even if an endorphin rush occurred, simply leaving the body to recuperate without taking deliberate steps to help it will be more likely to create lasting negative effects. Someone may become physically unwell for a short while even if they weren't injured; they may also feel abandoned, unsafe, dangerous, unhinged. This goes for the top as much as for the bottom.

Everyone's aftercare needs are distinct, and some people need much less than others. Common themes range between hydration, a quick calorie boost, gentle intimate contact, warmth, isolation, or reassuring words that you're safe now — or that you aren't a monstrous individual for giving reign to your sadistic impulses. But even among these common themes, some people may absolutely not want some options at all. Water might be the only best-advised universal constant.

For myself as a bottom, I do benefit from following a scene immediately with a sugary snack (cookies or chocolate are favorites) and being wrapped in a blanket. The latter is often necessary because although I prefer being cold to overheated, I will feel cold in my extremities after holding still for a long period of time, especially while naked; and my style of autism is comforted greatly by firm, all-around, enveloping pressure. Contrasted with these aftercare needs, however, I don't need too much verbal reassurance and I'm not interested in snuggling up with the person I've played with unless we're already sexually involved.[8] In fact, usually I'll curl up with my owner for a bit even if he wasn't the one topping me for the scene.

As a top, I am still learning what my aftercare needs are because I've topped a grand total of two times. So far, though, I've noticed that besides similar sugar cravings, I'm already likely to have become very warm, so a blanket would be horrible. I can't speak too much right after the scene is done, either, at least not in an articulate way. Here I think I probably benefit from being alone, cooling down, slowing my heart rate — at least once I've made sure my bottom has their own aftercare situation under control and is going to be all right with me stepping away. It feels better to touch base the next day over text when I can compose my thoughts better. That's one area of overlap with my bottoming aftercare — if I've played with someone who isn't my owner and I thus won't necessarily see them the next day, it's nice to get a check-in text later on.

That is my own experience of an impact scene, taken from the real start to the real finish. I have no grand philosophical conclusions, nor did I write this with much creativity, but I hope that like last week's kink post it has served its purpose. If I feel it's necessary, I'll follow it with another about some other kink activity in the future.

[1] I increasingly prefer this word over "toys."

[2] As a reminder for the unfamiliar, a "scene" in kink can refer to one of two things. It can be interchangeable with "community," analogous to talking about a particular music scene/subculture. But in this post, a scene is a discrete temporospatial event, very similar to a scene within theatre, where you can in some way notice a beginning, middle, and end to the activities people are taking part in, even if sometimes one scene may run quickly into another one or take place as part of a longer interpersonal arc that many people refer to as a dynamic.

[3] After a couple of decades I've gotten the impression that I am the reverse of a lot of masochists. Either way, because I enjoy surface-level pain more, I can often go through a very, very painful scene without many marks left on me afterward unless my most bruise-prone body parts are struck.

[4] Opt-in consent is absolutely the wisest practice when first starting out with a new kink partner or if you haven't established a highly communicative, intentional dynamic. However, opt-out is still common for those of us who want consensual surprises (receiving or giving them) and it's particularly helpful for the way that my psychology works; a scene is much more rewarding for me if I feel like I can trust my partner to fully take control and sweep me up for the duration. This does require negotiating formal D/s, not just s/m.

[5] I tend to do the most substantial negotiations with a new person through written correspondence, well in advance of the situation where we intend to play. But I've started to dare more on-the-spot negotiating.

[6] "Erstwhile" insofar as the pandemic interrupted our semi-regular impact scenes and we haven't yet been at the same event with open enough dance cards to reconnect in this way. They are still a dear friend. I'm withholding their name here to avoid providing some public information about what local kink circle I run in outside of FetLife's semi-walled garden; but if anyone is curious, contact me privately and I can probably elaborate.

[7] I'm almost entirely versed in the latter.

[8] More autism at play here. Tenderly touching and being touched feels overwhelming without some kind of intentional dynamic I can relate it to.

Thank you for reading. As an unfortunate reminder, I recently received a layoff notice and this is happening at an almost comedically terrible point in my life for that to happen. I doubt I will be able to finish turning my writing into viable income, even under my professional identity elsewhere, before I become unemployed in late winter. However, if you've been subscribed here for some time and haven't yet paid for it, or if you've only been at the $1/month Supporter tier, enough subscription upgrades would play a meaningful role in my future finances and maybe allow me to continue writing here regardless of whether I fnd a new job that would interfere with the current posting schedule.

Food for thought, and I'm grateful for your consideration. In any case, though, next week's post will concern mushroom hedgecraft, and the week afterward I'll have something for Occult subscribers only.