Last Quarter: "Just relax"

Hello. It's Friday, and I'm utterly overwhelmed by required or chosen responsibilities and goals. Candidly, I will admit that because of how new subscriptions here have stagnated, reader feedback is minimal, revenue remains only enough to break even, and there are multiple writing projects I could be taking care of instead, I've been starting to question why I'm continuing here. After all, if school has started to alter my Friday schedule, and if I face the likelihood of any new job eating a lot of free time that I could once take for granted, I should probably accept the possibility that Salt for the Eclipse only made sense a couple years ago, and it would have made even more sense if I had started this with a weightier online presence, a willingness to "play the game" for really gaining subscribers, and (being extra candid) more initial signups or long-term paid readerships from people who had originally, vociferously encouraged me to write here.

But if I sound resentful, that's not my intention; I'm just trying to paint a transparent picture of what's happened, and I know I should stave off a situation where resentment genuinely arises. Even though I'm not losing money so directly anymore, if I stay with this project when I have higher-paying priorities where I also get more human interfacing — please, if you can't pay, comment! I really hoped this would become a space for dialogue among readers! — I run the risk of locking myself into a cycle of pointless obligation, whereas nobody is obligated to pay me, their reasons for not doing so are their own, and I have to respect that. And yet having said all of this, there are also reasons I'm not abandoning ship this week. Namely:

• The tiny handful of people who regularly do engage with me about what I post are an absolute gift, and I love growing ideas together. I do not want to stop that process, and since it relies on long-form writing I might as well keep doing it here. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
• As I have always said, I'm writing things here that I have needed to write for a very long time. I'm working through important theory behind my ritual practices. I'm sharing what knowledge I have, and I do want most of that knowledge to avoid being monetized. I feel ritually compelled to write here most weeks, even if the energy, focus, and time aren't what they used to be. Perhaps I simply need to stop worrying about whether this project is contraindicated by my need to put food on the table. If my ability to continue writing here diminishes, this does not preclude doing it at all unless I also run out of meaningful ideas, which I haven't.
• I'm unlikely to find a new job right after my schooling concludes in early December, and one of my main social commitments this year will end before that, so I may have more time on my hands come winter. This would at least defer the newsletter's conclusion for a bit.

So, this long prologue is not a farewell, only an important status update building on what I wrote in September. I'm still going to attempt weekly posts, and if I do realistically have to reduce the frequency then I'd like to still keep these missives regular in some way, ideally governed by a natural cycle even if not by the Moon's. Who knows. But I do wish to be clear about the fact that I've more seriously considered the merits of stopping. After all, I will have to stop at some point, whether it's from (I hope) finally bearing a child, finally having written everything on these subjects that I could ever think to write in this format, or what have you. No writing project lasts forever; the internet is a particularly ephemeral medium; and a worthy criticism of my writerly identity may be that it makes little sense to spend so many typed words on the need to reconnect with the landscape when I am not spending enough hours of the day materially reconnecting. Perhaps the ultimate fate of Salt for the Eclipse will be that I log off and unplug.

Not yet, though. And the prospect of a slower, blessedly offline life does bring me to my real purpose for this week's newsletter: how I try to reduce the physical stress that I carry day to day, along with how I know I ought to. For when it comes to living with anxiety and trauma, or to managing these alongside inflammatory health conditions (asthma, allergies, endometriosis), a still fairly "Western" dietary pattern, a sedentary lifestyle, and industrialized medicine, all under the conditions of Anthropocene collapse — needless to say, the causative relationship between stress causing inflammation and inflammation causing stress is so bidirectional for me that it's impossible to know what started first. And I imagine this is the same for the large number of people I know who similarly deal with immune-modulated cycles of mental and physical illness. Truly, "the body keeps the score" and conversely what our bodies go through generates untold challenges for our minds.

I feel as if I have spent most of my life learning lessons around this, and I'm nowhere near done. What I do know so far is that reducing the matter to a need for everyone to "just relax" creates an impossible demand. I would love to just relax, but various external stimuli or internal physical statuses constantly get in the way of this. The route to serenity has required several methods for me, and today I will catalogue everything I can think of. Some methods rely on reducing psychological stress in order to produce a physical payoff, and other methods engage more directly with the physical.

Please note that partway through this post there's some dietary discussion that's intentionally framed to not support disordered eating, but if any extensive talk of meal planning or my own eating challenges is an eating disorder trigger for someone, I would still avoid that section.

Minimizing virtual space in theory, maintaining better relation in practice

I've already written about my digital hygiene practices at length, and it's in one of my favorite things that I've ever written, so I highly suggest giving that a read. But in summary form, one of my core disagreements with spending a lot of time online or using a computer/smartphone in general is that it keeps me in an abstract, disembodied space, and I learned this the hard way through using computers and the internet from a very young age, starting before modern social media and then also incorporating it. The early internet days were better in certain respects, but the weird alienation effect has been consistent the whole time. And I've noticed that the more I can push myself to stay embodied, the better I am at accepting my body's states, taking care of it, and so on.

Of course, this does not really mean that I'm trying to fully eliminate digital technology from my life. Lord knows that in case a time comes where it can no longer be relied upon for most things[1], I would like to have alternatives in place or ready to arrange. However, for the foreseeable future I have reasons beyond my control for needing a digital life presence, storing information electronically, and writing most things not-on-paper. I also really do still enjoy certain benefits of computers, smartphones, and the internet, seeing all of these tools as a kind of magic that — like most other kinds[2] — is value-neutral, with ethical questions coming down to how we use them. So in addition to theoretically operating less in virtual spaces, I try to make sure that when I do operate there it's as healthy a practice as it can be, reducing addictive habits or feedback and striving to communicate primarily with people who really matter to me: either the people I also know offline, or people with whom I can meaningfully interact and collaborate beyond parasocial situations.

So as I explained in greater detail last year, I make all sorts of choices that restrict how often I interact online with strangers, how much anyone online gets to know about me, or how often and why I receive notifications. I'm selective about the platforms I use, I notice when I'm doomscrolling, and I avoid online spaces that will just annoy me, are poorly moderated, or lack member vetting when it matters. I choose my battles, my participation in memes, and whether I can do those things on a tiny phone screen or if I'm going to create an ergonomic nightmare for myself. I limit when and where certain (or any) digital activities can happen through the course of my day. I engage only in good faith interactions, I try not to complain publicly about anything and everything, and I avoid using cliché, smug, passive-aggressive phrasing. I'm aggressive about "do not disturb" settings, blocks, mutes, and filters. I try to socialize with friends offline at least a couple times per month, and I stay in touch with them online through direct communications instead of passive social media following. I give myself offline tasks to do, on purpose. If I want to do something that doesn't require the internet but still involves looking at a screen, I generally don't let myself play video games all day, nor do I let myself watch movies or TV all day unless I'm sick or it's a special viewing occasion or I just need to cuddle up with my owner for a long while — and I'm happiest when I can knit in the process, staying grounded to something material.

My one most significant, glaring exception is writing. Writing anything long requires spending a long time at a screen, unless I use a typewriter or write everything by hand. But I'm not ready to consider doing all my writing that way. Only some. And meanwhile most paid work that I'm suited for in this economy happens to require sedentary computer use, so there's little to be done there.

I am trying, though, to more consistently obey my computer's break timer function, which has grown more plausible with a recent software update. First I struggled because the timer popup allowed me to click a button and skip the break, so of course I routinely skipped. Then I learned to disable the skip option but found the popup still didn't stop me from trying to take care of various things with the popup in the way, and I also found it annoying to have the popup interrupt my close concentration on something. The recent update now allows for a programmed routine where when the popup arises, I've toggled settings that make it harder for myself to continue until the break's actually over, and the application also blissfully warns me when a break is coming up so I can start disengaging my focus on my terms.

My autism appreciates this, and simultaneously I can still tell I'm resting my eyes and moving my body a bit more, letting myself stretch and breathe. I will get to the full somatic implications of this further down. However, before I go that far there is one adjunct to digital hygiene that I want to expand upon.

News & gossip hygiene

This has implications for digital activities, but it applies to all layers of existence. Everyone takes on some degree of stress by learning upsetting information, with a very broad definition of what constitutes "upsetting." And of course, as we are social, relational beings we all have some real responsibility to periodically learn upsetting things so that we know whom among us needs help; even in a more selfish way, it's common sense to stay abreast of dangerous, threatening things that may impact our own persons so that we can take precautions. But as an increasing number of us modern humans are all growing aware, it seems very much as if there is too much bad news to know about, as our brains — majestically complex though they are — evolved to keep track of a much smaller social sphere and geographic footprint, trade relationships and nomadic migration notwithstanding.

Whether or not you believe we can only form meaningful, stable relationships with a specific number of people[3], it's at least self evident that past some fuzzy threshold we all become capable of compassion fatigue or its opposite: hypervigilance by proxy. I've been subject to both. There was a phase during the covid pandemic when I just could not care anymore about any of the statistics or the latest horrible discoveries or what anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers[4] were up to; lately I have been so inherently sickened by the genocide in Gaza that I tune out just about everything, leaving myself numb. Simultaneously, there was a phase of my concern about the eco crisis where I could not stop reading applicable news or commentary and being consumed with paralyzing dread; I've likewise made the mistake of getting locked into the 24 hour news cycle around the January 6th insurrection, the Russian invasion of Ukraine, and a lot of things that have happened in the US federal government since Trump's second inauguration. In those cases I've faced insomnia, indigestion, and potential blood pressure issues. Where must the line be drawn between knowing enough to help myself and others around me face tangible threats to ourselves, versus knowing too much? Equally: where must the line be drawn between stoic news hygiene versus callous ignorance?

The line must at least be drawn somewhere, and I go through ever more dedicated bouts of tactical restrictions on where I get news, how frequently I get it, and what kinds of news I should even consume at all. As may be clear from some of the examples I just gave, I continue to fumble this. I can't even see a good way out in terms of monitoring specific authoritarian risks. I should probably try to stop checking all-purpose news (again, which I've managed for up to a year at a time) and seek out more targeted reporting, but when for example it comes to things I do very much need to know about like the regime's threats to queer and trans populations, there can still be too much of it to digest at once, and it can sometimes be delivered in an overly despairing way.[5] I hope I can come up with a new approach to start testing next month.

In parallel to all this, I can at least report greater success in what I will tentatively dub "gossip hygiene." I want to be clear that I do not regard gossip as a negative word; it doesn't describe an activity that I reject. Like some other people I've known, I'm wary of the gendered criticism that gossip usually receives, and I think it's necessary to maintain gossip channels in a nonconsensually hierarchical society — especially between people whose voices in official public discourse are systematically, misogynistically devalued. I have sincerely benefited from being the recipient of certain gossip, and sometimes I can't help sharing secondhand information about somebody because I am desperate for someone else to help me make heads or tails of it. Nevertheless, I know how wildly stressful it is to be privy to excessive gossip, and in turn I've grown very mistrustful of people who can't discuss anything else.

In early adulthood, I used to be in my fair share of cliquish private shit-talking sessions. Since then I've avoided being in situations with complex interpersonal feuds, but I've still had plenty of overexposure to gossip-oriented, "red flag"-identifying communication channels (especially on Discord), or to short-lived friendships with people who loved nothing more than shoving the latest scuttlebutt at me. Again, sometimes this was worthwhile. I am even willing to admit that as an imperfect person I've made fun of potentially undeserving people behind their backs. But in the long term, I have never been comfortable with mean-spirited conversations, and I have always noticed that when I stop paying attention to a highly gossip-centric discussion space my mood instantly improves and my body instantly loses tension. Nowadays I try to pay attention to some gossip in the kink world because a) it's the only way to find out just about any important information here, b) it helps me vet potential play partners, and c) it helps me vet potential event attendees; but I'm very careful about who I listen to, how long the conversations last, and how often I seek them.

However, even noticing that between all of these choices and then my overlapping internet hygiene I carry less stress in my flesh, with less inflammatory symptoms... this is only stimuli management. The fact remains that I have an overreactive body and mind to sources of stress that some other people can generally tolerate without embodying that stress; and the other fact remains that I can't manage all excessively stressful stimuli, either. I don't have to read climate news to notice problems with the climate where I live. I don't need to read about economic issues to notice inflation is happening. And I can try to keep myself grounded in my body instead of in some ethereal, virtual realm, but if there are systemic limitations to how healthy my body is likely to be at any one time, how am I supposed to cope with being in a body that semi-regularly feels unwell?

Broader somatic intervention

In some ways the business of physically unstressing all comes down to this problem. To relax, it turns out we really must just relax. But it remains infuriatingly easier said than done.

For a couple of years I had accrued enough real (allergic) and perceived (somatic) health problems that I developed hypochondria. This in turn led to an uptick in panic attacks, which as many panic sufferers know can involve a fiendishly recursive loop wherein a panic attack shares symptoms with a heart attack, thus even without hypochondria it can provoke fears in the moment that a heart attack is taking place or that death is otherwise imminent; without calming the panic symptoms themselves, the fear only spirals and grows worse.

Since then I've taken various steps that have reduced panic episodes themselves. However, I've also grown adept at noticing signs of spiking anxiety, or even just indicators that I'm not as relaxed as I logically should be. Rapid pulse, pounding pulse, quick breathing, difficulty breathing, locked limbs, feeling too warm, feeling too cold. And of course, some of these symptoms can be a sign of a health problem beyond stress itself. Contradictory problems in certain cases — lately I've entered a sort of diagnostic limbo where I'm at least getting white coat syndrome in medical settings, i.e. ironic, temporary high blood pressure from the stress of being there, and I certainly know hypertension runs in my family, and getting covid couldn't have helped me... but I've also had lots of underlying health reasons lately to probably experience low blood pressure, and I can often get a low to normal reading at the doctor too. Cue my fixation on whatever my pulse is doing, whenever it does noticeable things. But if I'm afraid of developing chronic hypertension, the last thing I should be doing is fretting about whether I'll get it. All I know for sure is that my blood pressure at least seems to veer wildly depending on context, and that speaks to my sensitivities.

And whether it's a material problem or a perceived one, I once again need to calm down. It's a relief, though, to have begun recognizing over the years that physical activities capable of lowering anxiety are also typically good for one's cardiovascular system.

For a while now, I've done breathing exercises with myself when I can feel tension. I should frankly do them even more. Breathwork is almost embarrassingly effective. That is to say, I can't believe that something so trite as "just breathing" does what rapturous breathwork advocates say. It often does, though, and sometimes when it doesn't that's when I know there's a deeper physical source for why I don't feel well. Sometimes I practice "box breathing," the four step process of inhaling, holding one's breath, exhaling, and waiting to breathe again, all for equal measures of time. Sometimes I don't count so closely but I simply breathe as slowly as I can and try to shut out all thoughts that are not about the air entering and leaving my body. Either way, I have also learned that it's even more important to breathe out than to breathe in, and indeed that breathing in too quickly or holding one's breath for too long can make my anxiety worse. The scientific reason for this is that inhaling always at least subtly activates the sympathetic ("fight or flight") nervous system, whereas exhaling does the same for the parasympathetic ("rest and digest") nervous system. So in my opinion, people who say to "take" a deep breath to calm down ought to rephrase it as "releasing" one's breath.

There is also much to be said for full-body exercise. I never get to do this as much as I want, and there are many styles of exercise I do not like. I also understand why it doesn't work so well for people who feel bodily dysphoria (I have been in that position, long ago) or for people whose mood challenge is more often depression. For anxiety, however, I've begun to find movement an excellent treatment. Even when I can't do the more intensive things I like, such as weight lifting, stationary bike, dancing, outdoor work, or hiking, I still derive some benefit from taking walks and doing fitness yoga.[6] And even when I don't have time to do those things, when I can tell too much stress is balling up in me it still at least helps to stand up from where I'm sitting or lying, or even just change position, or push myself into a physical chore. And then of course, there's sex, or kink in general, which doesn't always constitute exercise but some activities absolutely do.

Lastly, though, the most important somatic intervention I need to perform is some real mind-body therapy. Even without hypochondria or panic, I need to learn greater tolerance for somatic changes. When I feel unwell, I focus on it far too much. When I feel "odd" but not even unwell, I still focus on it far too much. Year after year, I resolve to let go of mistrust for my body, and I never quite manage it. Unfortunately, though, I have been on a somatic therapist's waitlist for an exceedingly long time, and these practitioners are not common enough for me to easily find another with a short wait.

In the meantime, I can at least try to make sure that my body's baseline is operating from the best nutrition I can realistically manage. This brings me to something I feel very strongly about while also refusing to align myself as "crunchy at all costs," nor as 100% in favor of intuitive eating.

The diet question

Perhaps I should rephrase to start: I do essentially favor intuitive eating, and I think that deep down most of the time our bodies know exactly what is right for them, and crave that. The challenge in intuitive eating is that I can say from personal experience that cravings come from multiple sources in my body, and they can conflict. My intuition may know what I would "really" benefit from eating, but various well-honed instincts can also take hold and cause me to fall into some eating patterns that feel right in the moment and wrong immediately afterward.

I say all this of course not as a dietician; and in fact since my eating has been subtly disordered[7] for most of my life, I sometimes feel as if I can never really trust my own attempts to eat more healthily. Is it just about shame? Am I mirroring my mother's own crash diets and indulgence-guilt cycles, even though I never try anything extreme and I know better than to wholly demonize or eliminate any one food? And surely some of that has been there from time to time.

But ever since I first started to really notice the effects of inflammatory foods on my feeling of physical well-being, I've felt motivated to make dietary changes on that basis specifically. And sometimes I feel guilty when I don't adhere to the practices I've meant to maintain; but to allow myself some grace here, I think that lately when I feel frustrated about my diet it's often not because I regret a choice I could have avoided making, but rather because I wasn't faced with any good choices to make at all, and the only realistic option was to eat something that would just cause me problems later. Because inflammation increases anxiety and the general experience of stress, I genuinely don't want to feel how some food makes me feel.

Likewise, since one of my main challenges has long been feeding myself when I'm hungry at home alone, I genuinely don't want to feel ravenous. It feels bad in its own right and it also makes me more likely to pick a poor quality solution when I can't stand the situation any longer. I know what my intuition says at this point, but I struggle to follow it.

Be that as it may, I have successfully made some habits stick that I imagine could be considered healthy by just about any level-headed measure.[8] I'm reluctant to catalogue them here today, but loosely speaking I try to eat omnivorously, with a liberal amount of fiber and protein, and using more moderation around simple sugars or highly processed snacks. I have also developed a reasonably reliable and nourishing solo breakfast routine.

As it happens, though, I recently have discovered that I probably have insulin resistance. I'm in another diagnostic limbo as far as actual prediabetes, but it's possible and meanwhile I've been taking metformin for three months for fertility reasons; and it's having such a tangible effect on my body that it's been answering some longstanding mysteries, including why I used to be able to eat a large amount of very sweet food compared to some other people in my life. And importantly, I have vowed not to let myself feel guilt about any of this. I spent at least fifteen years of my adult life eating things that would likely cause insulin resistance to develop, on the basis of sheer financial limitations and living in this culture.

But it has been interesting to discover this ongoing, hidden facet of my health. And taking metformin has made my eating habits change. I haven't lost my appetite (and I would be alarmed and unable to accept it if I did) but I want simple sugar somewhat less, I "peak" much faster when eating it, and a midday meal of something like raw vegetables, hummus, an apple, and cheese can carry me much further than it used to. The fiber there actually does what it's supposed to, and more excitingly, since lunches of this kind are about all that my executive function can manage when I'm on my own, I usually no longer experience the bad outcomes of not having eaten enough during the day. I don't raise this as a prescription for other people, but it's useful for my situation. And with less reasons or ability to seek simple sugar hits, I've noticed various things like my skin and hair improving in quality, and I'm not feeling like quite such a bundle of nerves.

Now, what would really help my nerves and my blood pressure would be if I could quit caffeine use. I'm not there yet. I've started to further reduce it, though.

Modern therapeutic modalities

All of the above have been operational choices I've made about how to lower physical(ized) stress; and they are all very well and good. But a trap that I see many people fall into is the idea that their stress is an individualistic affair for them to manage privately. Another trap, which I personally stayed in for a while, is the idea that even if psychiatric medication may work for some people, "my mental health struggles are circumstantial, not biochemical." The first trap is a major cause for why people avoid therapy; the second trap is naturally a major cause for never trying medicine or stopping it too quickly.

I want to say something about therapy — and I have probably said some of this before, but it belongs here in particular. Now yes, I acknowledge that not all mental illness can be addressed and supported through therapy; after all, I used to think this for myself, and I was wrong. And yes, I acknowledge that not everyone can pay for therapy. And yes, I acknowledge that there are deeply unethical therapists, so people who have had damaging experiences with them are quite within their rights to look warily at the profession. And yes, there are non-"Western," pre- or post-modern paths to attaining some of the benefits of what most of us think of when the word therapy is used; so please bear in mind that I believe many people can receive a therapy equivalent through being counseled by somebody with different credentials and practices that are still aimed at healing psychological wounds, helping change detrimental behavior, and fostering better confidence and relationships. But I have been disappointed too many times in my life by knowing people who plainly need to receive some guidance through therapy or a near equivalent, who can afford it and make time for it, and who simply don't. I doubt most of them are reading here, but I so profoundly wish that they would seek this help. We cannot get through some hardships on our own willpower or skills, not without picking up some very damaging habits on the way. Ritually speaking, we cannot complete "shadow work" by being the only people to see our shadows.

And crucially: this help cannot just come from partners, or friends, or family, or random people on the internet. It isn't that these people owe us nothing; certainly it would be a shame if they never offered us a hand when we reached out. But we cannot work out how to best cope with stress by constantly sharing that stress with people who also have to conduct day to day life with us. A counselor's role is real and sacred. Take advantage.

I also want to say something about psychiatric medicine — again perhaps repeating myself, but necessarily so. I avoided this medicine for years and years because I insisted my brain chemistry wasn't the "source" of my anxiety. Truly, for some people it probably isn't, and I'm still rather strongly convinced that with a few key societal changes I would have far less stress to embody. But at some point I realized this really shouldn't be the debate; if I am under severe stress, it's going to be in my biochemistry, whether from birth or not. And it is all right to take drugs that help me manage that stress — even if it's not fair that I live in circumstances where I need this assistance — as long as they aren't addictive and as long as the side effects and risks are acceptable to me. So in a similar vein to therapy, it's worth noting that I don't think effective psychiatric medicine has to be pharmaceutical. It can be; I take buspirone daily, I did a course of hydroxyzine over the summer, and I keep alprazolam for emergencies. But I definitely know some herbal interventions like catnip or mint help me release tension, albeit not as totally; cannabis is less of a guarantee for me unless it's a very indica-leaning strain, but I understand why it works as a daily treatment for many people.[9] In turn I have serious reservations about how psychedelic therapy is administered, and even more about its cousin, psychedelic tourism; but while I find it very dangerous to rely on psychedelics as one's sole therapeutic modality, given that I have also received massive therapeutic benefit from a single mushroom trip I am not going to pretend these things don't happen.

I do want to come back and emphasize that the pharmaceutical route is all right, though, if someone doesn't feel pressured into it and if they are on a prescription that works for them. Another reason I avoided psychiatric meds was that for ages I only knew about SSRIs, SNRIs, MAOIs, benzodiazepines, antipsychotics, lithium, and other mood stabilizers. This is quite a list, naturally, but I knew a lot of the categories because I had seen how little most of them did for my abuser — and in terms of understanding the potential side effects, I found every single one of those drugs too unfathomably unpleasant to risk. My libido was precious to me, I couldn't afford any more weight discrimination from the clothing industry or the medical system than I already faced, and I didn't want all of my emotions blunted. Now of course not everyone experiences these effects, or they do but they consider it worth it; that's fine for them. Not me. I could only accept the alprazolam as an emergency option. But as it turns out, there are so many other options available. They just aren't pushed as hard by Big Pharma, so to speak, and there's certainly a larger conversation to be had about that but in the meantime I could not be more thrilled with how buspirone seems to specifically improve the physical aspects of my stress.

Even when I am worried about something these days, even when I feel it in my body, this drug makes me able to process it, work through it, instead of being mired in ever-mounting despair that I will ever feel safe and protected again. I wish this medicine didn't need to get made in a factory out of probably less-than-sustainable ingredients, but for the context in which I live, it helps me survive.

Rite above all

I have had many long reflections here, so long that it's substantially delayed publication and even caused me to neglect today's personally allotted school time. That loops my mind back to this morning's misgivings. But it is what it is. Most if not all of what I need to write here is about rite.

And rite is, above all, the best way I have to release embodied stress and then avoid taking more on. I do not need to worry about what is not in rite's purview. Increasingly, my internet and news hygiene strategy leans on my preference to dedicate time to rite, which a lot of rabbit-holing and doomscrolling does not qualify as. I have already developed a brief morning ritual to greet the Sun, and a bedtime ritual to open myself to the Moon and/or stars; I think that starting next month, the smartphone can't have my visual attention until the morning ritual is complete, even if the Sun rises late, and the phone also has to have been out of my sight for a little while before I dedicate myself to sleep.

If it is not rite, it is beyond my purpose.

[1] And this may well be the case. It could be that some technology or its repairs become utterly inaccessible by some populations as the eco crisis deepens and modern globalized civilization falls apart. It could also be that necessary degrowth strategies involve a reduction in what digital technology gets used for; after all, it is not enough to have sustainable electricity, for we must also use less of it, and likewise resources like lithium for batteries are not infinite and currently do depend on damaging extractive practices, even if the net effect is not as cataclysmic as fossil fuels.

[2] I make exceptions for a few utterly too-dangerous things like nuclear fission (maybe also fusion) and most implementations of large language models.

[3] Typically referred to as Dunbar's number. I agree with some criticisms of this principle, but I can't shake my intuition that something about it is right. After all, I do have about fifty solid-to-steadfast connections in the local kink scene... about fifty combined vanilla friendships, robustly parasocial relationships, or professional/collegial ties... and less than fifty combined close family members or family friends with whom I still maintain communications. All told, I've accumulated well over 150 relationships of some kind throughout my whole life, but it's very likely been less than that number at any given time.

[4] I use these terms for ideological, misinformation-based positions that people hold/held, not for people who have been slow to receive vaccines or boosters due to issues with availability, messaging, logistics, etc., or people who have real sensory/psychological issues with wearing masks on a highly routine basis. That's a different conversation.

[5] I'd also add that while I very much suspect that all queer and trans people within US borders are on the verge of facing greater state violence, maybe even on the scale of lockups like what ICE is performing on a racialized and xenophobic basis — and then who knows what after that — I feel as if even in these conversations some of my fellow white settlers are overstating the risk to ourselves, when in fact we're in a better position to lay low and survive by feigned assimilation, and a lot of us may claim we're going to die fighting or in "The Camps" but I guarantee a good portion of us will opt for a publicly conformist life. It will be neither cowardly nor noble, merely a survival mechanism that may even allow some of us to help more vulnerable people on the sly; I just do wish that other white queers would stop performatively embracing a style of martyrdom that's objectively more likely to affect racialized people.

[6] I've already done footnoted disclaimers about yoga's cultural context. I don't have it in me here. Hopefully you've read the past notes.

[7] In autistic and sugar-dependent ways, not in an anorexic or bulimic way. I cannot even imagine what those experiences are like, but I am always afraid of some messaging around food driving me to that point. I feel like I have several anorexia risk factors.

[8] I am very aware that my diet clashes with a lot of the fad ones like keto, paleo, macrobiotic, etc. Conveniently those people's opinions do not matter.

[9] With apologies to my fellow users, though, I really think it is too often used for pure escape by some people. Escape is a sympathetic pursuit, but it is not a therapeutic function.

Thank you for reading and especially for bearing with the excessive introduction. Next week, energy and focus and time permitting, I will be offering some overt philosophy of mind. After that, my holiday post for Calan Gaeaf (Samhain) should center around lore of the seasonally "dark" trees yew and blackthorn.